A Random Walk Down Memory Lane...

Source: Fexual Strustration

I came across some serious sentimental quality memories recently in an old box. One of the things I found was a poem I wrote. Well, actually several. I was a pretty prolific writer way back when. I've discovered over time that when I am happy, I can't write. When I'm sad, lonely and miserable, give me a pen (or a keyboard) and the words start flowing out. It was interesting though to see the date on these selected poems. I was surprised to realize that I was 14 years old when I wrote the following:

The Rain

My feelings pour from my heart
Like the rain that hits my window
Seen but not understood
Steadily beating a silent plea
Over and over, again and again
It rains
For the good and the bad
Like the tears that fall from my eyes
For a reason I don't yet know
A continuous cycle
Like my heart that cries its tears
To never stop, again and again
I wonder
Will I ever understand the rain?

This was closely followed by this one, written just a few months later:

Insomnia

When the night has covered the Earth in her blanket
My memories return.
No warning of what is to come
Just lessons I must learn.
Awake in my bed, I listen
To the still and silent night.
Wondering if I am the only one
Who feels this desperate fright.
But whatever I do, I can't escape
Those thoughts that capture me.
To leave me lying all alone
Begging to be free.

Or one year later at the age of 15:

"Life is like a game that everyone must play, but no one can win."

Or,

"It's so ironic that you don't believe the words you know are true."

And by age 16, the following:

Emptiness,
You feel so alone.
Emptiness,
You want to be home.
Emptiness,
Where can it be?
Emptiness,
Make is stop haunting me.

And this one still relates today, nearly 20 years later:

I live for a letter.
A word set on paper,
To persuade me I wasn't forgotten.
Let me know you still care,
That I'm still in your thoughts.
Send me your love through the mail.

Only today, it would be e-mail and blogger comments, eh?

My 16 year old words continue:

The days slip away
Like grains of sand
Carried off to the sea.
When time has run out
And the tides are pushed back
Will you still remember me?
Where once there was sun
Now cold winds blow.
Whatever will be, will be.
Across the horizon
A new life begins.
Someday my heart will be free.

And then, age 18:

Drowning in a deep blue sea,
I wonder what would happen
If rising to the surface
I should take a breath,
And save myself from hopeless death;
But as I think, forever I sink
Wondering what would happen
If a shark with jaws so fierce
Would swallow me whole,
Removing my soul;
But as I disappear, there's only tears
Wondering what would happen
If while struggling for my life
A cramp should strike,
I can no longer fight;
I'm left to drift among the ocean rift
Wondering what would happen
If maybe the phone would ring
To save me from this fear,
A message from someone dear;
But forever beware, there's no one there
Wondering what would happen
If seeing you, staring back at me
As I'm drowning in a deep blue sea
Full of sorrow, there's no tomorrow.
I wonder what would happen.

Thank you for bearing with me on this long walk down memory lane. This is not my usual blogger style - no fun fucking fiction - but I was feeling pretty miserable when I sat down at my computer tonight, and I have to say that I am now feeling a little bit better. Thanks for being here with me....